Oy. Evangelism. Oy.

Does anybody but an evangelist enjoy evangelism?

I have always been resistant to any kind of evangelism, for probably the same reasons most people are. I don't like to be told I've got to embrace this GREAT NEW THING that's going to IMPROVE MY LIFE. I also loathe the ersatz empathy and "caring" that all evangelists employ, outside of fundamentalist atheist evangelists, of course; fundie atheists tend to enjoy shaming their prospective converts. Christian fundies tell ya you're going to hell if you don't accept what they offer, laced with all the fake concern they can muster without a permit, and atheist fundies tell ya you're stupid and always will be until you join their mission to save the world from itself and embrace the great nothingness. Hey, guys, I gave at the office. Can't'cha see my "No Soliciting" sign there? Heck, "Blind Date" is on and I'm missing it. G'way.

Nonetheless, there we were, my wife and I, at a recent ultrasound because my wife is pregnant with what we hope will be our second child. We've had a couple early-term miscarriages as many couples do, and so during the ultrasound, my wife was answering some questions about those - pretty standard procedure. Of course, my wife expressed sadness at our previous losses, and then, suddenly, there we were, in the middle of an evangelism moment. This one was unique in two ways: 1) it was our first "live" Buddhist evangelism event (we'd seen Richard "gerbil boy" Gere on TV, of course), 2) the ultrasound wasn't over, and at this early stage in the game, ultrasounds are vaginal, so my poor wife had a wand the size of a cheerleading baton planted in her privates. The woman sat there and expounded on how the ego attaches to things and the only way to happiness (outside of the obvious immediate but ignored concern of having the wand removed, evidently) was to not allow our ego to attach to things, such as sadness over the loss of a potential child. Picture the tableaux in your mind for full effect: wife in stirrups with intrusive wand being held by evangelist; evangelist in full conversion mode; wife and I striving to keep our faces as blank and pleasant as possible to facilitate fast escape. It made telemarketing and pornographic email spam seem benign.

One time some Christian evangelists came to my door because my wife and I had stupidly put our address on a pew card when we were looking for a new church after we'd moved. This old guy didn't say a word; he just put the card and a pen in my hand and turned away. That should've been a clue, I guess. Anyway, so I open the door to these two forlorn souls: a man and a woman who were agonizingly shy, blatantly single, and clearly so uncomfortable about having to go and "witness" together - most probably because that was the most time they'd ever spent alone in the presence of the opposite sex - that they were both on the verge of either passing out, or dropping and fucking on the hallway carpet just to get past the tension. I invited them in once they announced their intentions and clearly would not leave until I entertained them for a moment. They robotically started in on "Have you heard the Good News of the Lord" or some other evangelistic cliché, and I raised a hand to interrupt. A full 20 seconds later, as they ground down to a halt, I explained that I was already a Christian, so they could save themselves some time and energy. They stared at me for at least a full minute, both through glasses so thick their irises looked tiny Indian beads in a glass bowl, and then started up again, more or less where they'd halted, as if I'd pressed "pause" on a CD player. So I held up my hand again, repeated my information, then did a little nutshell summary of the Apostle's Creed just to let them know I meant business and wasn't a Unitarian or anything. This only made them start over from the beginning. So I just surfed with it, path of least resistance and all that. Well, unfortunately, my wife chose that moment to come home from work. So they started all over again, even though they were very near the end of their script. Believe it or not, they were shocked, SHOCKED! when we announced yet again as we lead them to the door that we were already Christians, so conversion wasn't an option.

Needless to say, we never darkened the door of that church again. And, we haven't filled in a pew card since. However, we have a few more ultrasound sessions. Maybe I'll take along a Quarter-Pounder with cheese the next time as a subtle message...