Big Dude in the Sky jokes

I got one of those chain emails with a bunch of jokes in them (though mercifully lacking those Godd... those accursed cutesy wiggling GIFs), and I thought they were funny enough to post. Yeah, some bloggers have strict rules about what they'll post, and would consider this a lazy post. Well, screw'em. My only quasi-rules are I will not delete posts unless I deem it so egregious (meaning I was so wrong that it's offensive) that it just doesn't represent what I meant to say, and I will nuke any and all spam in the comments. I also deleted a post that said "that's it, I quit" because I changed my mind the next day. I was wondering if it was worth going on, thinking maybe it's just egotistical to keep posting stuff if you have no idea that anyone's reading it. But then realized that blogging really is for yourself anyway. I use it to keep my writing skills honed as well. So, even if I have 5 readers, I value you all, and thanks for coming.

This first joke wasn't in the email, but I included it. The lead-in is true:
One of my life-long buddies' dad is a Pastor. I told my buddy the joke you're about to read. He insisted I tell his dad. Directly after a service. While most of the rest of the congregation was still standing around. I'll never forget the look he gave me.



An airline pilot goes in for his annual checkup. Most everything is fine, but the doctor says to the pilot, "Sir, you're nearly blind. I can't pass you on that account."
The pilot says, "But I've only got one more year to go until I retire! Can't you just let me go this one last year?"
The doctor asks, "How in the world do you land the plane?"
The pilot says, "It's simple. I use the Jesus Christ method."
"What's that?" asks the doctor.
"Well, when it comes time to land, I just point the nose of the aircraft down until the co-pilot screams 'Jesus Christ!' and then I drop the wheels and level off."


These, too, made me larf:

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A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

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"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"