Heard these?

Three guys walking home from the bar the week before Christmas and got turned into sidewalk pâté when a young, inebriated heiress on the lamb from a reality show plowed into the trio with her Hummer. St. Peter met them at the pearly gates. "In honor of the season," St. Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes this time of year." The first guy fumbled through his pockets, pulled out a lighter and flicked it on. He said it represented a candle and St. Peter let him in. The second guy pulled out a pair of keys, jingled them and said they represented bells. He too was let in. The third man searched desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the guy with raised eyebrows and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The guy replied, "They're Carol's."


A recent study at a prestigious university shows that fully 80% of women are now against marriage. In the past, it was the male of the species who proclaimed, "Why buy a cow when the milk is free?" But that has changed. Over a thousand women responded to the questionnaire with a question of their own: "Why buy the whole pig for 5 ounces of sausage?"


Thank You! Thank you very much! Remember to tip your waitresses!

(These were stolen from a great local rag, "The Wasted Woody Gazette".)