Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Was thinking this morning...

Back on the old TV series "Mission: Impossible," it always began with Mr. Phelps getting a dossier and a tape recording which outlined the mission, then self-demised in a smoky hissy-fit. If you've seen the show, you know the drill.

Wouldn't it be funny if for once it went like this?

Tape Recording: "Good morning Mr. Phelps. Your mission, should you decide to accept it is to infiltrate the Bzyarmi tribe in southeastern Bukkakkistan. You will assume the undercover role of apprentice yak shampooer, using a traditional soap made from lye and sloth droppings. During your mission, you will be required to shave the yaks, as it is yak shearing season. A tradition among the men of the Bzyarmi tribe prior to the shearing season is a ritual that involves getting what is known in Hollywood as a "Brazilian wax," which considered a necessary purification rite before the shearing commences. You are to locate the Chief's Medicine Man, who is in actuality an uncover operative for a pharmaceutical concern from Austria and secretly poison him over the course of a year by slipping a few grams of the substance in the vial you're holding into his morning Kava Kava. He eventually will experience explosive and fatal diarrhea. Another Bzyarmi tradition is for the men to eat the scrotum of the deceased Medicine Man, as it is considered a tribute to the dead and an aid to sexual vitality. As always, should you or any of your I. M. Force be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This tape will self-destruct in 5 seconds. ... SSSSHSHSHPT!"

Mr. Phelps (after a pause): "Well fuck that."

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