Leave Capt. Kirk out of this!

On 02-26-2003 Salon.com offered an article called "Capt. Kirk's bulging trousers" which looked promising due to the tag-line "A touring exhibition of genuine "Star Trek" gimcracks reminds us of the virile greatness of the original Shatner/Nimoy series -- and the p.c. limpness of all the spinoffs."

It percolates along nicely, having fun, praising Shatner deservedly for his thespian greatness whilst on the series, drooling over a display of the original bridge, putting down the fussy PC thang Star Trek has become since the original series, and then we careen into this paragraph:

Moreover, Spock was obviously passionately in love with his rug-wearing bisexual WASP jock captain, something not lost on the bitchy, swishy and rather jealous ship's doctor, Bones McCoy, who wasted no opportunity to tease his green-blooded colleague. (For some reason all the male "Trek" medical staffers have been queeny, even the holograms). Interestingly, the stellar love affair between Spock and Kirk, which has its roots in Greek mythology and American literature (e.g., Alexander and Hephaestion, Huck and Jim, Ishmael and Queequeg) seems to have grown out of the clash of Shatner's and Nimoy's planet-size thespian egos: Roddenberry, driven frantic by their on-set competitiveness, was advised by Isaac Asimov, no less, to channel it by strengthening their on-screen relationship. In addition, a "favored nation" clause was introduced into their contracts, stipulating that any benefits accorded to one must apply to the other. In other words, gay campaigners still calling for gay characters in the next "Trek" series are missing the point. "Star Trek" featured the world's first on-screen same-sex marriage back in the '60s. (Little wonder then that a whole genre of female-authored "slash" fan fictions built around the Spock/Kirk love affair has flourished, making explicit what was always implicit.)

Eeeeewwwwww! Ew! Freakin' EW! {shudder}

Obligatory disclaimer: I have nothing against gay people, gayness, etc. what have you. Live and let live, I say. If it makes you happy, verse chorus verse. Have gay friends and relatives, just like everyone else.

BUT, I have never really liked "gay humor." La Cage aux Folles/The Bird Cage (either one) - Will and Grace - The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert - Kiss of the Spider Woman nearly anything with Harvey Fierstein in it (though his wrecked voice is cool) - the gay dishy/bitchy thing has just never appealed. But then I don't like the Three Stooges either.

My sense of humor runs to Monty Python, the great Bill Cosby, Abbot and Costello, Jerry Lewis, Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, Richard Pryor, Cheech and Chong, George Carlin, Flip Wilson, and the man himself Red Skelton.

The effeminate queen stuff just doesn't tickle me. I try to open myself up to the laughs, but mainly my reaction is either "yuck" or a yawn. The two exceptions are "Big Gay Al" on South Park (however, I suspect he's not on the top of the GLAD list of "best gay characters in mass media"), and one joke on Will and Grace where Will told his buddy not to react like a howler monkey, and his buddy, in spite of himself, responds with the best howler monkey impersonation outside of Rush Limbaugh. I laughed and laughed.

Now, I know that's going to cause your typical gay activist to label me as a homphobe. Listen, I have no fear or negative feelings about homosexuality. I just don't. Really, whatever consenting adults want to do in the privacy of their own lives is just fine with me, and none of my freakin' business.

But, saying Kirk was bisexual (or even a WASP - or even a Republican for crying out loud!), and that McCoy was swishy and bitchy (did this guy even see the same show I did?), is just plain WRONG. It's just wish fulfillment for the guy who wrote the article. I don't care that he wants to do Capt. Kirk, but let's not go so far as to say Capt. Kirk would want to do him. It would be like me stating that Melissa Etheridge or Sandra Bullock have really liked guys all along because I want them to. I may want that to be true, but it ain't. (I watch every Sandra Bullock movie with the same melancholy I imagine the author of the Salon article would if he were to face reality about Capt. Kirk's preferences. Maybe it was too much for him, hence the article.)

Capt. Kirk digs the chicks, as does Spock (every seven years, of course), and so does Bones. Bones practically gave up Starfleet for a babe he found living inside an asteroid, and let's not forget he nearly got the salt sucked out of him by an old flame. I mean, all the boys seemed to be ok with the inter-species thing - but only as long as it was a CHICK! Let's just keep that straight, k?

Trivia moment: In the novelization of the first Star Trek movie, someone asks Kirk if he ever slept with Spock because one of the revelations in the book about the culture of that time (which is not in the movie, thank God) is that the gay/fender feminist dystopia has come true and no one recognizes gender determined sexual preferences - any hole will do. And Kirk's answer, true to character, is something like, "Why would I have sex with someone who goes into heat only every seven years?" Now that's funny.

Y'know, though, at least they were HAVING sex in the original series, which is more than I can say for "The Next Generation." What a bunch of genderless mannequins those yahoos were.

The two exceptions where when Lt. Tasha Yar discovered Data had a penis. That little plotline, including the SIGNIFICANT LOOKS Yar and Data give each other, not to mention the post-coital satisfaction smeared across Yar's face when she emerges from the love den, was strait out of "Heavy Metal." And the episode where Counselor Troi is impregnated by an alien where we actually see the little tinkerbell point of light burrow under her covers and pop into her vagina is quite a shock because you don't see it coming. (I nearly spilled my beer when it happened.) Talk about your ultimate quickie.

George Costanza moment: And speaking of shocking moments in female unit history as it applies to film or video (sounds like an award category, don't it?), did you see the recent NYPD Blue episode "Nude Awakening" (2/25)? It opens with a woman getting ready to take a shower (I don't watch anymore since the stupid Irish guy left the series early on, so I don't know what her character's name is), and a little boy happens to walk in on her and get an eye-full. So do we. And what an eye-full. Before the boy pops in, we see her in full nude profile, her breasts covered by her upraised arm, but other than that she's a nekkid as the day she was born. Literally. You can clearly see her pubic area, which is evidently shaved, and so we see just Barbie doll smoothness. But the fact that there was bare female pudendum on broadcast TV just blew my mind. I don't know whether to rejoice or brace for the apocalypse.