Wednesday, July 16, 2008

When the Current Occupant is that Lame

Got the following wingnut email chain letter from a bud. He's kind enough to forward these to me, and I enjoy the peek into "the other side." Some of them are honestly funny, but this artifact is a different thang altogether. It's rendered completely unfunny because Bush is such a 'tard, the jabs below are so futile. In every instance, Bush baby is so much worse, it's the proverbial "trying to gold-plate a turd."

I just had to add some grim retorts, in italics.

My fellow Americans:

As your future President I want to thank my supporters for your mindless support of me, despite my complete lack of any legislative achievement, my pastor's relations with Louis Farrakhan and Libyan dictator Moamar Quadafi, or my blatantly leftist voting record while I present myself as some sort of bi-partisan agent of change.

So that means the Bush family's relationships with the ruling families of Saudi Arabia, where all the suicide bombers of 9-11 were born and raised, not to mention the huge "Bush compound" they're building for you, isn't an issue. Real relationships with the enemy aren't as damming as false implied ones. Got it. Oh, and Bush's pastor's network of friends is particularly stellar, and they got him to make it legal for them to use tax dollars for the charitable side of their empires so they could use the donations of actual members to buy new Hummers and male prostitutes.

I also like how my supporters claim my youthful drug use and criminal behavior somehow qualifies me for the Presidency after eight years of claiming Bush's youthful drinking disqualifies him. Your hypocrisy is a beacon of hope shining over a sea of political posing.

Um, George was as much of a coke-head as he was a drunk. Better check that definition of hypocrisy.

I would also like to thank the Kennedy's for coming out in support of me. There's a lot of glamour behind the Kennedy name, even though JFK started the Vietnam War, his brother Robert illegally wiretapped Martin Luther King, Jr. And Teddy killed a female employee with whom he was having an extra marital affair and who was pregnant with his child. And I'm not going anywhere near the cousins, both literally and figuratively.

Yeah, invoke the most popular presidency of the modern age to try to make Obama look bad. What a great tactic. Is Karl Rove helping out here?

And I'd like to thank Oprah Winfrey for her support. Her love of meaningless empty platitudes will be the force that propels me to the White House.

Not really. I mean, it's not like Obama was nominated for her book club. Now, that's an honor. Besides, most of the Dems I know thought that was more of a help for Hillary.

Americans should vote for me, not because of my lack of experience or achievement, but because I make people feel good. Voting for me causes some white folk to feel relieved of their imagined, racist guilt.

Being the Governor of Texas, which all Texans admit is just a figurehead, was great practice for being Cheney's sock puppet now, I'll allow. Being a Senator and actually working at the Capitol doesn't really count as experience. Interesting theory.

I say things that sound meaningful, but don't really mean anything because Americans are tired of things having meaning. If things have meaning, then that means you have to think about them. Americans are tired of thinking. It's time to shut down the brain, and open up the heart. So when you go to vote, remember, don't think, just do. And do it for me.

Ah, yes. Bringing up "thinking" and "shut[ting] down the brain" when the presumptive topic is Bush, known for his vast intellect, is better than mentioning JFK! Wow. Is your think tank actually IN a tank? They forgot to actually put armor on those, y'know. (Well, they didn't forget, actually, it was just too expensive, and the soldiers are expendable anyway, since none of them are rich or connected.)

Thank You.
Barack Hussein Obama, Jr.

Oh no, Mr. letter writer, thank YOU.

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